I haven’t written in a while. Maybe I’ve been avoiding it, or maybe I’ve just been too caught up in everything. But for the past few days, there’s been this battle in my head I can’t seem to shake. It’s not just one thing—it’s a lot of things, tangled together. And maybe writing it out will help.
For the last five weeks, my brother and his girlfriend stayed with us. Five weeks. It was an emotional rollercoaster—happiness, excitement, sadness, frustration—all wrapped up in this constant hum of energy. They’re family, and having them here was both amazing and hard. So much has happened in the last year, and their visit felt like a bridge between all that’s been lost and what’s still here.
Today marks one year since my mom passed. One year. It doesn’t even feel real. Maybe that’s why emotions are hitting harder today.
When they first arrived, I was in such a good place. Work, fitness, health—everything felt aligned. I was on a running high, literally. I was clocking 13 to 14 miles a week, feeling stronger and better every day. It felt like I was finally in it, you know? But as the weeks went on, I started to slip.
At first, I kept up with my routine—despite the late nights, the drinking, the indulgent food. I was determined to hold on to the progress I’d made. But by the third week, things shifted. I was tired, worn out. And then my brother started hinting that I wasn’t spending enough time with him. “You’re always working,” he’d say. “I thought we’d be hanging out more.”
That hurt. It felt like a criticism of how I live my life. And slowly, I started compromising. I stayed up later. Skipped morning runs. Prioritized their visit over myself. And now here I am, weeks later, sitting with the reality of it: I hit a wall.
Not just physically, but mentally. I can’t even get myself to work out right now, let alone run. And the worst part? I don’t even want to. That fire I had—it’s gone. And I don’t know when it’s coming back.
But here’s the thing. Deep down, I know the answers. I know it’s okay to feel like this. I know it’s okay to hit walls and take a step back. I know how to get back on track when I’m ready. But right now? I’m choosing to sit with it. To let myself feel the weight of it all.
Because this isn’t just about running or workouts or routine. It’s about my mom. It’s about the year that’s passed since she left. It’s about what it means to move forward when there’s so much grief and change swirling around you.
So today, I’m letting myself sit in this moment. I’m letting myself not know for a little while longer.